tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9326984.post1368072565626009508..comments2023-04-04T11:31:01.006-04:00Comments on Irrelevant Opinions: Motionless Journey II: All The Wrong ReasonsFrazzahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02611431995183800220noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9326984.post-36877239713517192122008-10-10T02:42:00.000-04:002008-10-10T02:42:00.000-04:00I still don't agree with you, fundamentally. And t...I still don't agree with you, fundamentally. And think that it's probably a wise idea not to continue to write a "last chapter" :)Asmaahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12799829085959558569noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9326984.post-74279796728776292992008-10-09T08:38:00.001-04:002008-10-09T08:38:00.001-04:00As an aside, I probably won't have time to finish ...As an aside, I probably won't have time to finish up the last chapter of this anymore. Not anytime soon, anyway.Frazzahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02611431995183800220noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9326984.post-80169134329168823182008-10-09T08:38:00.000-04:002008-10-09T08:38:00.000-04:00Just as a general comment - this series of posts i...Just as a general comment - this series of posts is called a "journey" because it reflects how my own thoughts changed over time, as I learned more and gained more experience. Even I don't see things the same way anymore, and disagree with what I wrote here as it captures myself at an earlier stage in life. I'm really just trying to document how my own feelings where challenged over time.<BR/><BR/><B>Nauman</B>: Sorry for the length.<BR/><BR/><B>Farzeen</B>: In the case of Goldilocks, I will still contend that I wasn't writing <I>about</I> myself; I was reacting to a sequence of events, and that's what came out.<BR/><BR/><B>'Liya</B>: I'm not promoting any particular way to find a spouse, and as I am not married myself yet, I can't possibly say that "my way" is better than any other way.<BR/><BR/>As far as divorce is concerned, you're right that we might not see the internal details of each issue. Again, I am writing based entirely on my own personal experience, the handful of incidents I have drawn on to shape my own plans moving forward. In a couple of those cases, I <I>was</I> very informed about the details, and "petty" is a fairly appropriate word. I don't blame them for things not working out, but I don't know how no one else saw it coming well beforehand.Frazzahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02611431995183800220noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9326984.post-67545036110475525452008-10-07T22:52:00.000-04:002008-10-07T22:52:00.000-04:00I had a very long pre-engagement and now this week...I had a very long pre-engagement and now this weekend my husband and I will be celebrating our one year wedding anniversary, alhumdulillah :) I understand that not many couples can even make it this far, I've seen my fair share fall through and it isn't pretty. But who are we really to judge what someone's intentions are? To us, the reasons for divorce or breaking it up prior to marriage can seem like "petty differences," but unless you're one of the two involved in the relationship, it's hard to be the judge of what the real reason is behind another couple calling it quits. <BR/><BR/>We'll always think that the way we found our own spouses is best because it worked for us. I've seen plenty of marriages arranged by parents last, but also plenty that have failed and this is similar to couples who met on their own and have a "romantic" story to share... there's nothing wrong with either way providing both parties involved work hard to make it work, and that's key, neither way is easier or the right way because there's positive and negative aspects to both. We have to recognize that everyone is different and that's why there are so many diverse ways of meeting someone and having a successful marriage.<BR/><BR/>- my 2 cents anyway!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9326984.post-65660082331917269092008-10-04T14:09:00.000-04:002008-10-04T14:09:00.000-04:00Assalaamu'alaykum wa rahmatuLlah brotherInterestin...Assalaamu'alaykum wa rahmatuLlah brother<BR/><BR/>Interesting post. I agree with what you say about failure... masha'Allah, well said. At least 8 years ago, I once connected the concept of "divorce" with "failure" and someone challenged me for doing so. I've since learnt that those two words have serious conditions to meet should they exist together.<BR/><BR/>I think I know why you write this post as you do, and with that in mind, I'll only say to you that come what may insha'Allah all will be well if you trust and submit entirely to His plan for you with gratitude, and depend solely on Him, the Almighty.<BR/><BR/>For those who may take your words at face value, I think most of what is said will have little benefit as these concepts can be/and are easily challenged. Rather, the jewel (that Nauman probably missed), I think, lies here:<BR/><BR/>"The right intentions. The right intentions are to obey the order of Allah and the tradition of the Prophet, peace be upon him, by choosing a companion to share one's life and afterlife with. So simple in concept, but in practice, we have introduced so many unnecessary complications..." <BR/><BR/>I quite like your Goldilocks piece too... masha'Allah. And perhaps internally that should read: "<I>Fortunately</I>, Golidlocks didn't end too well." AlhamduliLlah 'ala kulli haal :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9326984.post-822898216994946032008-10-03T15:40:00.000-04:002008-10-03T15:40:00.000-04:00In my old age, I'm starting to lose the ability to...In my old age, I'm starting to lose the ability to maintain attention to long posts. I liked this post for the half that I managed to read... some good points.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9326984.post-67431086512439172752008-10-03T08:41:00.000-04:002008-10-03T08:41:00.000-04:00Saira: Yep! Looks like you're right. Will you exc...<B>Saira</B>: Yep! Looks like you're right. Will you excuse me a moment, I have to pat my own back.<BR/><BR/><B>Asmaa</B>: This is just a series of observations. I basically have six or seven stories that I was / am deeply familiar with and that have shaped my understanding, and they all shared some common aspects. That's not that many stories, definitely not enough to "last me a lifetime" - so perhaps it's not a representative sample.<BR/><BR/>I don't know where I gave the notion that it's more "pious" for a religious man to venture back to the motherland. I told a true story as best as I remember it, but I didn't say that I agreed with everything that happened. And I did mention that the girl is the one who gets shafted in this situation. So I think we're agreeing with each other here.<BR/><BR/>I'm sure it's in there somewhere since Saira said the same thing, but I'm trying to figure out where I talk about myself and how I did things "better" than others. The only story I've mentioned here about myself was that one phone call, which definitely wasn't something I am proud of. And it certainly doesn't sound to me like I'm supporting the traditional rishta process (over four years of that nonsense and <B>it never worked for me either</B>). Not to mention that my first experience through that process was probably one of the worst experiences of my life, where I was being lied to by everyone I thought I could trust.<BR/><BR/>Perhaps I could tell that story now. It certainly was among the most important learning experiences I had.<BR/><BR/>Anyway, Saira is right that these are just my own observations. They are the experiences that paved my own journey, which is far from over. I don't know if things will work out for me either, but it would be irresponsible for me to ignore everything I've seen over the years.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9326984.post-85954196566029026302008-10-03T06:55:00.000-04:002008-10-03T06:55:00.000-04:00Eeek... apparently I wasn't the only one with that...Eeek... apparently I wasn't the only one with that reaction eh... either ways I have a feeling Faraz meant it more as an observation than a anchored belief. :).Sairahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11752110721024660064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9326984.post-63234556882348162602008-10-03T00:53:00.000-04:002008-10-03T00:53:00.000-04:00For some reason this blog post comes across to me ...For some reason this blog post comes across to me as a bit self-righteous. No offense meant.<BR/><BR/>But I I feel it's presumptuous to believe that the way in which you've met someone is the only good way. There isn't ever only "one good way" to do something. There's always context, culture, and religious conviction to consider.<BR/><BR/>Just because you've met someone through work, through your university, through a friend, etc., doesn't mean that this relationship is bound to end negatively. As long as you pursue a proper course once you've found yourself interested in someone, I'd say there is no way you could rank the "rishta" system above this other “random encounters” system. Though escapism is fun at times, this is the real world, with real human beings in it. Things happen. And it doesn't make us worse people to have had affection or admiration prior to being married.<BR/><BR/>I'm sure many if not most of our parents wish to believe otherwise. Some of them still believe in the back home mentality of seeing a potential spouse in her home, pouring tea and blushing. And this is magically the solution to the marriage crisis. We were born and raised here. Like it or not, we are NOT the same as people are back home, back in the days that our parents were growing up. That's a real and present reality. <BR/><BR/>I’ve seen enough failed marriages to last me a lifetime. Marriages don’t fail because one or both spouses are “bad” people. I think one of the major reasons they fail is a conflict of roles. A man may expect his wife to act in a certain way that a “good, Islamic” spouse would act, but she, having been brought up here, cannot quite fulfill those roles. Her role has changed and evolved simply due to her experiences and environment growing up in North America. The same applies for the roles of men, when misunderstood by women.<BR/><BR/>So, Suddenly it's more pious for a religious man to venture back to the motherland to get married so his wife can be obedient and subservient? That’s silly. What are the “leftover” women in North America supposed to do when the men have this mentality? It’s actually pretty distressing. <BR/><BR/>I also think this notion of learning from the mistakes of others is only applicable to a certain degree. One can never tangibly and concretely "learn" about life, unless one goes through difficulties and trials. Otherwise, it’s simply a superficial learning. So, it's not a fair presumption that you're in a better state than others because you haven't made mistakes in one particular aspect of life.<BR/><BR/>In short, nothing in life is as cut and dry as you wish it was.Asmaahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12799829085959558569noreply@blogger.com